dorkolandia

Song to the Cliquish Elite

You never liked me
You never will.
You beat me up then
You beat me down still.
Why should I bother
With pleasing you now?
If I didn't know then
I'll never know how.
--Dorkus Porkus

nose picking tips

Digging for Gold

I think you know a great deal about this subject already. Come on, admit it! You've been practicing the art of nose-mining since those halcyon days lost to memory. Have you ever seen a toddler who could resist the call of the booger? One of your earliest epicurian experiences was undoubtedly the forbidden salt of your own creation, dark with dirt inhaled through tiny nostrils and lovingly mixed into a soft, viscous cream of glandular fluids and dusted lightly with metalic flakes harvested from exhaust fumes at the peak of their ripeness, rush hour.

Tasty Treats: Recipes

Mix-ins: kool-aid powder. lick-um-stick powder. cayenne pepper, which can really get the nose flow going. Mayo, mustard, horseradish, ketchup, lowries garlic salt. sand. ice cream. cake icing. hollandaise. blood. grease. grime wiped off of any number of surfaces throughout the day. try writing a message to a neighbor on his/her dusty car, then diving for dessert through the sinus subway.

Booger Recipes

Clever Wipes

Surfaces on the bus. The undersides of restaurant tables and school room desks. On elevator buttons, piano keys, the keyboard for a coworker's computor. Your sleeve. Your friend's or sibling's hair, either with or without their knowledge. In the food or drink of an enemy. On your tax forms. On products in the supermarket, especially those products for the consumption of which you can see no earthly reason. Remember, folks, it's nice to share.

Silver Sleeves

Head bowed low
with shit on her shoes
a note on her back
her silver sleeves gleam
in the failing light
of the falling sun
the fire that drowns in the inky night.
Silver sleeves, silver sleeves
wipes snot on her arm
greases her trousers
watches her back
covers her gentle head
for the blows rain down
through the darkened town on a stinky night.
silver sleeves silver sleeves
shine when the torches flash
wink when the headlights pass
snuffle and blow for all you're worth
what matter the crack of dried snot
in the din of the mob that attacks
silver sleeves the odd girl out
awakes in a puddle
swallowing grey and green
comes to in the muddy dawn
and moves on.
--Dorkus Forkus

Avoiding Nosebleeds

Chew your fingernails down to the quick and file the rough edges down on your dungarees. Go easy on the schnoz. Don't use snuff or powdered drugs, as they weaken the delicate veins and capillaries. Once you've scabbed up, avoid that nostril for several days, allowing the cut to heal.

Fashion Tips

Basically, just keep wearing whatever you have around the house. Never worry about color coordination, appropriate dress for various occasions, or the whims of fashion. You'll save a lot of money and alleviate stress. If you wear out what you've got, try salvation army/oxfam type shops that haven't caught on to the big bucks industry of recycled retro crap clothes for hipsters. Don't support the fashion industry, and don't bother associating with those who do. They're the type who avoid you, dis you behind your back, pity you, and dump you anyway while starving themselves and (UGGGGHHHH!) talking about clothes.

For illustrations contact zanne@cea.edu.

WebSpider: Zork
zanne@cea.edu